How to annoy and amuse people: Talk Like A Pirate Day

Don’t forget ye scurrvy dog that this Friday September 19th be “Talk Like a Pirate Day”. If you need help, you can polish up on your pirate vocabulary or get your sentences translated. For more Talk Like A Pirate Day info, there’s also the The Official British Headquarters for International Talk Like A Pirate Day as well. They also have provided a poster to alert your co-workers to the precense of pirates in the area.

And also, to add the most fun to the day, make absolutely sure that you’ll be armed with all the jokes. Click below to get on the action. And after that, they keep on coming

It also looks like there’s an email going around for this momenteous day as well:

This Friday, September 19, marks a very important occasion. It is a day devoted to bringing communities together, to unification and inclusion. It is a day for everyone that everyone can get involved with. In the times we are living in the importance of community, cooperation and care for the fellow man are often forgotten. This Friday is a day devoted to these essential parts of our life.

I am, of course, talking about International Speak Like a Pirate Day.

So this Friday, whether you are at work, at home, with others or alone, you are invited to join in. It costs you not one cent and will bring great joy to you and those more and less fortunate. It is a day for everyone.

How do you get involved? It’s simple. Some will dress up, some will buy a parrot, some will cut off their leg, but all you have to do is role out your ‘arrrs’, say ‘I be’ before almost everything (‘I be going to the shops’, ‘I be washing my hair’) and call almost everyone you meet a ‘scurvy little dog’.

For those truely inspired they could also try a ‘I be off to crack jenny’s tea cup’ (visiting a house of ill-repute), or a ‘she be a lady of expansive sensabilities’, or maybe just a ‘son of a biscuit eater’.

Try it, enjoy it, share it, arrr.

Anyway, on with the jokes

Q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
A: It’s rated AARRRRGGH! And do you know why? Because of all the booty!

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing?
A: A buck an ear!

Q: Why did the pirate go on vacation?
A: He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

Q: How did the pirate stop smoking?
A: He used the patch!

Q: Did you hear about the pirate who scored 20,000 points for the Lakers?
A: His name was Kareem Abdul JabAARRRRGGH!

Q: What is piratophobia?
A: Fear of a sunken chest!

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite country?

Q: What do you call a pirate that skips class?
A: Captain Hooky!

Q: What Star Wars character is really a pirate?

Q: What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him?
A: His booty!

Q: What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner?

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg!

Q: What’s a pirate’s second favorite mode of transportation?
A: A cAARRRRGGH! (to which one member of the club replied, “So, um, what’s a pirate’s first favorite mode of transportation?” “A ship, duh.”)

Q: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?

Q: What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
A: Eight pirates!

Q: Why does a pirate’s phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
A: Because he left it off the hook!

Q: Where does a pirate go to drink?
A: A baaaaarrrr.

Q: How do pirates navigate their ships?
A: With the staaaaaarrrrrs.

Q: How do pirates cook their food?
A: With laaaarrrrrd.

Q: What do pirates do for fun?
A: They play caaaarrrrds.

Q: How do pirates like their hamburgers?
A: Chaaaarrrrrbroiled.

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?”

“ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “tis drivin’ me nuts.”

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. “Oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” The man says. “But where are your buccaneers?”

The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of me buckin’ head!”

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”
“Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

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