May you have a happy No Pants Day today.

Everyone knows someone like this. They refer to themselves as “otaku” and they embrace everything Japanese, not necessarily because it’s something unique or interesting, but because it’s Japanese. They wear clothing with Japanese or Chinese characters on it that translate to English phrases like “good will” or “long life.” They wouldn’t be able to get away with wearing a shirt that said “long life” in English because it would just look stupid, but as soon as it’s translated into kanji it suddenly becomes cool and mysterious? Please.

FACT: Cicadas are vicious killers.
FACT: Cicadas prey on innocent children and pets.
FACT: Cicadas are seething with deadly venom and flesh-eating bacteria.
FACT: This year Cicadas will kill more people than snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined!

Thanks to Tony for sending that on. Not sure of the original source.

A group of pilled up youths attacked police in Killara today after a day of designer drugs and Stoli vodka.

The gang of 20-something rich kids hurled BMWs, bags of coke, Rolex watches, Arts degrees, Technics turntables, Tsubi jeans, duck-feathered pillows, leather couches, laptops, ITM slipmats, textbooks, dictionaries, non-stick woks, paintings, fingerlickin records, golf balls, hockey sticks, condoms and vitamin tablets at hapless police.

Police responded with water hoses and tear gas, injuring two boys. Both boys fathers rung Bob Carr immediately threatening legal action.

One policeman was knocked unconscious by an Honours degree from Sydney Uni hurled by a young 25 year old graduate working at his dad mate’s consultancy firm.

Police said, “these boys should know better then to throw their possessions at us. They are educated, have every chance in life and we’ve never done anything to hurt them.”

The riot was sparked when neighbours complained of loud sexy house music pounding from the backyard of the party host. Police attended the scene and things got worse from there.

Police were considering making arrests but were instructed to drop the case after one of the boy’s fathers offered to donate money to build a new gym at police HQ.

Thanks to Jaime for that

Dear Audrey,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait any more. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad any more. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says… “There’s no one like you, Audrey.”

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn’t believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I Don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re banging away in our old bedroom.

And this tart’s a total monster in the sack.

She’s giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad too. ‘Cause I can ‘t help thinking, “Why didn’t Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we’re drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this 18yr old girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It’s true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?

I think we can.

If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

And also, to add the most fun to the day, make absolutely sure that you’ll be armed with all the jokes. Click below to get on the action. And after that, they keep on coming

It also looks like there’s an email going around for this momenteous day as well:

This Friday, September 19, marks a very important occasion. It is a day devoted to bringing communities together, to unification and inclusion. It is a day for everyone that everyone can get involved with. In the times we are living in the importance of community, cooperation and care for the fellow man are often forgotten. This Friday is a day devoted to these essential parts of our life.

I am, of course, talking about International Speak Like a Pirate Day.

So this Friday, whether you are at work, at home, with others or alone, you are invited to join in. It costs you not one cent and will bring great joy to you and those more and less fortunate. It is a day for everyone.

How do you get involved? It’s simple. Some will dress up, some will buy a parrot, some will cut off their leg, but all you have to do is role out your ‘arrrs’, say ‘I be’ before almost everything (‘I be going to the shops’, ‘I be washing my hair’) and call almost everyone you meet a ‘scurvy little dog’.

For those truely inspired they could also try a ‘I be off to crack jenny’s tea cup’ (visiting a house of ill-repute), or a ‘she be a lady of expansive sensabilities’, or maybe just a ‘son of a biscuit eater’.

Try it, enjoy it, share it, arrr.

Anyway, on with the jokes

Q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
A: It’s rated AARRRRGGH! And do you know why? Because of all the booty!

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing?
A: A buck an ear!

Q: Why did the pirate go on vacation?
A: He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

Q: How did the pirate stop smoking?
A: He used the patch!

Q: Did you hear about the pirate who scored 20,000 points for the Lakers?
A: His name was Kareem Abdul JabAARRRRGGH!

Q: What is piratophobia?
A: Fear of a sunken chest!

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
A: AARRRRGGHentina!

Q: What do you call a pirate that skips class?
A: Captain Hooky!

Q: What Star Wars character is really a pirate?
A: AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!

Q: What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him?
A: His booty!

Q: What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner?
A: A gAARRRRGGHnish!

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg!

Q: What’s a pirate’s second favorite mode of transportation?
A: A cAARRRRGGH! (to which one member of the club replied, “So, um, what’s a pirate’s first favorite mode of transportation?” “A ship, duh.”)

Q: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
A: AARRRRGGHyle!

Q: What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
A: Eight pirates!

Q: Why does a pirate’s phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
A: Because he left it off the hook!

Q: Where does a pirate go to drink?
A: A baaaaarrrr.

Q: How do pirates navigate their ships?
A: With the staaaaaarrrrrs.

Q: How do pirates cook their food?
A: With laaaarrrrrd.

Q: What do pirates do for fun?
A: They play caaaarrrrds.

Q: How do pirates like their hamburgers?
A: Chaaaarrrrrbroiled.

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can’t help but ask, “What’s with the steering wheel?”

“ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “tis drivin’ me nuts.”

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. “Oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” The man says. “But where are your buccaneers?”

The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of me buckin’ head!”

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”
“Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

11. Killing the pop-up
10. Hoping the webcam is off
9. Recalibrating the joystick
8. Reallocating the DNA
7. Inserting a card into the HAND bus
6. Banging the space bar
5. Performing diagnostics on the hard drive
4. Commanding the prompt
3. Meeting Mr. Stickykeys
2. Cleaning the lightsaber
1. Lefthanded mousing

“Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It’s rated AARRRRGGH!”

Well watch out. Think I’ll be collecting some more jokes for my site soon! Also make sure you check out leprechauns darts. Fun!!!